It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
