Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You can't just leave with hair like that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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