Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize