just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
