i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
