The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
