So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
