I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
