I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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