Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
