Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
