Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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