we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
