I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize