I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
