Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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