Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
