Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
