i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
