What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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