then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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