i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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