Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
