Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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