Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
