I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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