He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
