I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize