So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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