need another drink. this is the easiest way
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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