Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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