Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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