im drinking this country out of the recession.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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