Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
