i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
