I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
