I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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