just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
