I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
