I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
