Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize