all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize