I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
