i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
