omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
