You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
