I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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