New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
