i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
