When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize