Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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