You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
