The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
