OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
