I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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