Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
