You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
