i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Watching her eat just hurts me
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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