I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
