I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
