I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
