I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
