Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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